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Stand Firm, Grow or Fly Free with Balanced Negative and Positive Core Beliefs

Detailed examples of F reactions

The examples below will help you to identify your reactions and responses. which in turn help you identify your negative core beliefs.

FIGHT or FORCE - Using negative superior parent energy (anger, criticism, judgement, argument etc) to control situation, and at the same time, reduce or hide pain and vulnerability

These patterns reflect a parent-like (and rather artificial) attitude of superiority or invulnerability and a mistaken belief that controlling people and events makes one stronger or safer.

This kind of reaction points to the presence of a inner character that is acting stronger than, greater than, better than, more justified than, more right than in relation to another person. These are the characters that judge and criticise, pointing to a core belief that tells you that you can only cope if you are in control of the situation.

This is often the result of early childhood experiences where the person was not able to have any say in the way their life operated.

Alternatively they may just have learned that the parent who acted or who applied strong negative intensity (cannons*) was more powerful than the opposite parent who spent most of the time in the weaker or enmeshed position. Typical negative energy, fight or force type controlling patterns include:

1P. Dramatic response - anger, aggression, rage, threats, swearing, violence, abuse, storming out. The intense energy state described as using cannons*to hide, mask or limit vulnerability while holding on to control and dominating other people.

2P. Using argument or interrogation to increase control over what other people do - proving I am correct, they are wrong or it is someone else’s fault.

3P. Over-defending to justify own actions or own view of the world. Exaggerating (always; all the time) generalising (everyone; no one). Keeping score on others to justify own actions. ‘You always ..’ ‘You never ..’ ‘Every time I try to ...’ ‘Everything you do ..’ ‘Because of you ...’

4P. Criticising - pinpointing or targeting blame or shame towards others, ‘You are ....’ ; ‘You are not ....’

5P. Predicting - analysing or interpreting other people’s thoughts, actions or intentions. Expecting other people to ‘get it wrong’. Predicting catastrophe or disaster unless ... (negative control).

6P. Offensive - intentionally making others feel more vulnerable. Using negative control to restrict ways other people can hurt me.

7P. Negativity - control by being deliberately unpleasant, unfriendly, adverse, annoying, resentful, cynical or sarcastic.

8P. Over-controlling - excessive or obsessive focus on projects, problems, people, or objects in order to maintain power. Using legal or adversarial reasoning to force control.

9P. Avoiding - putting up walls of silence, blame, resentment or ice, rejecting or blocking contact. Departing, distancing or isolating from people.

10P. Polarised judgement - decisions based on ‘right’ or‘ wrong’; or ‘all’ or ‘nothing’; type thinking.

11P. Specially Entitled - acting as if specially entitled to judge or punish others because they are ‘bad’, ‘wrong’ or ‘need to be controlled’. Superior attitude, taking special privileges while not allowing others the same rights.

12P. Rational-conditional rescuing - taking care of others, but with strong expectation they will do something I want, or meet my needs, in return. ‘You owe me, because I ...’.

FOLD ‘n STAY- Compliant surrender often with conditions attached, to avoid loneliness or abandonment. Emotional age - very young

If you fear being alone or don’t want to ‘flee to be free, the other solution is to surrender so you can stay in that relationship. This or child reaction pattern points to core beliefs that tell you that you are powerless, helpless or unable to cope, weaker than, lower than, less than, not as good as, in relation to the other person.

Compliant ‘peace-keeper’ patterns are usually the result of early childhood experiences where attempts to be independent or self-reliant resulted in shaming, punishment or abandonment. Your negative beliefs at that time would have come to the rescue by telling you that, for example, you were never meant to be powerful or to solve problems by yourself.

You feel better off staying safely in a position and bargaining from there for conditional protection from others. For example, if you take lots of care of others you can expect them to take care of at least some of your needs. Feeling bad or ashamed or guilty makes it easier to fold, surrender, or do what others want.

1S.Compliant (unconditional) surrender, keeping the peace - I endure or put up with it, I am ‘very good’ pleasant or obedient, expecting nothing in return.

2S. Peace-keeping (conditional) - not rocking the boat, going very quiet but expecting to escape conflict in return.

3S.Excusing others - bending over backwards to understand, excuse or forgive what others do to me but expecting peace and harmony in return (conditional).

4S. Caretaking (unconditional rescuing) - giving too much, asking too little in return. Not caring for self, working while others play (Cinderella).

5S. Explaining - apologising, ‘Sorry’. Offering excuses to reduce blame or keep the peace. ‘It wasn’t my fault’; ‘I didn’t mean it.’

FLEE TO GET FREE - Escaping or running away. , inferior Emotional age - very young

While less powerful in relation to the other person, these reaction patterns at least involve doing something active such as escaping, as a way of reducing vulnerability rather than surrendering or complying. Although still , they reflect greater intensity than the compliant child or folding reactions above.

They point to core beliefs that tell you that even though you may be alone, you are likely to feel less pain or be less vulnerable if you can get away from the power of other people or escape facing reality.

1E. Distancing - avoiding fear or pain by leaving, without drama. I withdraw, back out, get away.

2E. Dramatic escape - my tears, fears, pain or panic help me run faster.

3E. Wounded, distressed, very hurt - going deeper into grief, sadness or depression, in the short term escapes need to face painful reality.

4E. Confused - don’t know what’s happening - Not understanding helps me escape or avoid facing painful reality.

5E. Illness or disease - I escape into sickness or have symptoms of illnesses I fear most.

FROZEN - Can’t move fear, panic. , helpless or hopeless Emotional age - very young

Responses that include becoming shut down by fear, frozen by my panic, locked up. Also includes giving up in terms of believing that it is impossible to do anything. Examples: I can’t win! Helpless, hopeless, powerless, no motivation, no drive to fix anything. Can’t decide, no confidence.

1B. Frozen panic - trapped, can’t move. Disassociating (going out of body)

N2. Frozen thinking - overwhelmed. Can’t think, can’t cope any more. Can’t decide ‘It’s all just too much ..’.

3B. Disempowered - helpless, no motivation, no drive to fix things. Can’t win; can’t start, can’t do it, can’t fix it, can’t change. ‘I give up’.

4B. Hopeless - Collapse of confidence. Pessimism, depression. ‘It’ll never work out ..’.

FINE - All fixed - super confident - hiding real vulnerability - , superior parent energy state

Patterns that mask or hide vulnerability by expressing an artificial attitude of superior skills, knowledge or understanding, or all three. For example an over confident "I can do it by myself", or "No problem, it’s all fixed." or the classic "I am just FINE!"

1X. Super-sensible - super-mature, super-logical, super-analytical, using very logical, very rational reasoning to avoid facing or hide real vulnerability,

2X. Giving detailed explanations that sound very reasonable often demanding the same in return.

3X. Super-confident, ‘no problem’, all fixed, rejection or denial of reality. Example: ‘I have changed completely and very quickly’. ‘If I ignore my problems they will all go away.’

4X. Super-aware - assuming superior knowledge and special gifts. ‘Knower’ or ‘specially entitled’ characters often tell others things those people ‘need to know.’

5X. Super-calm - unemotional, cold, blocking or denying all feelings except perhaps ‘sensible, controlled’ anger (concrete).

6X. Super-happy - smiling face, joking or clowning reduces my fear, relieves my shame or blocks anger in me and others.

7X. Super-focused - forging ahead, in control, strong drive to reach goals, beat opposition all by myself. Don’t know meaning of word ‘can’t’.

FOOL ‘EM & FRUSTRATE ‘EM - Blocking or preventing others from having control. Rebel Emotional age - very young. Can be or

Typically this pattern includes things like blocking or frustrating controllers by refusing to recognise or accept their ability to control or deliberately disobeying and breaking rules.

When it comes to preventing someone else from being in control, this pattern is extremely powerful and can block almost any of the controller patterns.

1M. Rebel, mutineer - refusing to obey the referee or the rules. Out of control, on strike, using questionable strategies or arguments to block and frustrate control by others.

2M. Fake it - manipulation, using false data lies, tricks to regain control or relieve vulnerability. Seduction (physical or psychological).

3M. Distraction - drawing attention to other people and their issues (fears, failings, faults or foolishness) to keep focus off own core issues. Changing the subject.

4M. Getting even - justifying offensive behaviour or revenge, ‘I have a right to hurt people back’.

5M. Over-dramatic ‘victim’ - exaggerating role as the ‘poor victim’ (false) while actually working on other person’s guilt, fear or shame, to help blame, blackmail, manipulate and control. This is the intense energy state described as the victim-controller character.

The victim-controller character uses his or her ‘victim’ position to manipulate or pressure the other person. Distorted perceptions of alleged ‘mistreatment’ help justify reactions such as ‘righteous indignation’ to heap more blame or shame on others and so get what is wanted from them or gain extra power. Typical words used include ‘disgraceful’ or ‘disgusted’.

6M. Blowing up the bridge - destroy it before they do. If I can’t have it myself, you can’t either. You can’t sack me I just quit. Sabotage.

7M. Blind and Deaf - actually aware, but pretending not to notice what’s happening.

More extreme examples include deliberately breaking rules but with little or no concern for safety or responsibility for outcome. This can extend as far as physical sabotage.

FORGET IT! - Avoiding awareness, using substances, activities or fantasy to deny reality. Emotional age - very young

Responses or reactions to triggering that help to avoid facing, or medicate the pain, such as ‘being busy’ or using chemicals or substances.

1A. Using substances (alcohol, nicotine, drugs) or activities (eating, anorexia, sex, gambling, fantasy) to avoid reality or reduce triggered pain.

N1. Avoiding, denying, dismissing, or resisting reality - I reject or deny things about me that I should face. I dismiss reality as ‘not true’.

3A. Ignore it - avoiding discussion, action or facing up to uncomfortable issues, by ‘forgetting’, by totally ignoring them, ‘stiff upper lip’ or ‘thinking only positive thoughts’.

4A. Very busy with ‘respectable activities’ - escaping into work problems to avoid pain or contact. I have to do these things. Only I can do this job.

5A. Never again! - I’ll never do that or want that ever again. It’s all over. That’s final!

6A. Shut Down - Switched off - Not interested. Denying any concern or feelings, specially anger or fear. Totally blocked.

FAIR EXCHANGE - Using positive coping skills

A positive coping skill is just a reaction pattern that has positive outcomes for both people, because it helps set up a ‘win-win’ situation.

1. PC. Positive Coping Skills are learned responses that increase the chance of getting ‘win-win’ outcomes.

This usually involves learned communication skills, such as compromise, bargaining, negotiation, levelling or open adult communication. See page 4-37 and Section 9 for more detailed explanations.

Feedback - please e-mail me John Bligh Nutting - at bligh4@growingaware.com

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